Today. I felt lost.
Today I found myself again.
There is no way for me to explain how this felt. I have been given a choice. To live or to die.
Living, means to face whatever fear arises in me and find the courage to overcome it. Dying, means to give up all hope and live within my fear as a coward!
What choices would you make in my place? Would you choose life, or give up and die?
The inevitability of it all is that there is no life without death. I was once afraid of everything in my life. I was living as a coward, unable to face my fears.
One day I decided to get some help in the form of counselling, of the spiritual variety. In the things we discussed, I found that what I felt, in who I was, there was an image attached to it and that that was of an ancient oak tree dying and rotting away. I was this rotten tree, I was about to die. In that landscape of my imagining, something wonderful to behold sprang from the depths of my fear and pain… within this rotting tree.
I realised suddenly that my rotten side, the thing I attached to and felt like in the entirety of my being, was rotting away to give new life to the next seedling, the next sapling. In this place of realisation I realised that I was that new born tree. I was shedding my fear of past self and realising that I could renew my own image of who I was and re-envision myself as better than I had previously thought.
I found my hope and my faith in life again.
Today I felt utterly without life. It was as if I had no freedom, no choices. Not a single thing to gleam happiness from.
All it was, was a passing fear of death again. That ultimate fear had come full circle once more. I decided to discuss my feelings with someone and came to a new realisation. That this is just what is. Life is testing my resolve once again. Showing me that I am not without fear and that I needed to become courage once more. Face this tumour. Face this illusion of dis-ease and regrow from this place. We never stop learning who we are. We tend to forget who we are until that moment when we feel helpless and then we remember this one shining truth.
We are all life in action. A spark of light amidst the gloom of darkness.
Light and dark are one and the same. Different variations of the same colours and vibrations.
I am glad I felt helpless today in the face of what is to come. (Seeing as I do not know and cannot predict what is to come), what is there for me to fear anymore? Not a thing. Not a spark of doubt can remain when you realise the idea that love is all you need in this life.
The importance of things and stuff are not important. My ego had gotten the better of me. I thought I was *ill*, so because of this, I deserved whatever material possession I could lay my hands on. I am not ill though. I am just on a journey through this brain tumour. This is my journey. It just happens to be alongside a *variety* of cancer.
I am not alone on this journey. I have so much support, love and healing vibrations are all headed my way. I am literally accompanied, (in my heart), by all of you who share a thought for me each day and wish me healed, that I do not doubt I can have longevity! I know I can heal.
You are all a significant part of my healing and your positive vibes will keep me strong.
Live long. Prosper. Love, learn to love, live. Be happy. Know happiness. Share your love and happiness and be not afraid of a single thought or feeling. All of life is but a fraction in comparison to your spark of existence in the universe. We are all in unity. United we stand, divided we fall. Without both we cannot learn to live!
I am done with this idea that I am alone and bereft of kinship. I know in my heart and soul that whatever may be. Will be.
You are all in my heart and you are all my kin…
My gratitude for your life is always and forever in unity and kinship with my own,
Your sincere friend in life. Never forget. You are not alone. I stand beside you.
Pablo Isaiah Kelly.