The reality of my “waking” up to “reality”, is that I haven’t done so.
I made a promise to myself to live my life better and I am failing at that.
I made a promise to my partner, to live better for her too. I am still stuck in the past and am beyond reflection. I notice the slipping, the falling back into old habits. I find myself as I am slipping and sliding into the past and I realise that I have fallen here before. I have fallen here, so many times before.
I am getting better at the waking up, as I stumble. I am able to see it in clarity more often now than not, but I have not gone but a single meter in terms of realising where life is telling me to go.
Do you find this sometimes? Do you worry and doubt and wake up in the night, in fright, forgetting that you don’t know anything anyway and that what you still have yet to do, is still always going to be another “yet”? Another moment.
Another thought or sensation that tells you to do or not to do… Another regret, a sweaty regret in the night for not doing something right… Or wrong?
We always hang just inside this “balance”, this “box”, not seeing daylight clearly. Shut away from the truth. Ignorance is a blissful sentiment that passes by on the breath of a corporate conglomerate that sells bad news and lies and abuses us all with the taste of money and power. We all know that we can do something. We are quite simply, just afraid to do it…
I feel like one of their products. Yes, I have cancer and yes, I have been sold to the highest bidder. In actual fact, I have been told by life that I am the highest bidder in my own game of life and that there is something I “need” to do, in order to find the truth, my truth, about my-self. I feel like the answer is being hidden from me. What can I do to make my life continue? Is there even anything I can do or is it my Dharma to find the answer in this form of cancer..? I am being lazy in not acting. Subdued by the way in which the world is built upon. The foundations of our teachings and the structure of our own conditioning. I am a robot. A machine. Money is all I want to glean.
Not truly, not by half, but that is what lies behind everything we try to do. It is money. A fuel for our egos. A substance for our fears to hide behind. It is not real but we treat “it” as “the” GOD in the hierarchy of all earthly beings.
I have started to come into the belief that my body is giving me a choice. Live! Or do not live. By this I mean to truly learn to live. To learn to love to live and be alive.
I am, as I see it, only half alive. I am half my potential, half my mind, and one half of my mind is actually suffering from my inattention to it…
THIS IS LIFE.
This is the grace of LIFE offering me some of its sweetness on a Golden throne and I am still acting in ignorance by not truly tasting the flavours.
At least I was, until I started to write this.
Right this second… and in every moment, I am realising the significance of the moment and I watch it pass in happiness and sorrowful joy. The compassion and love I feel is overwhelming but completely necessary!
If, and I am saying “only if”, I were to pass on. I think I may pass on in the knowledge that I loved life and learned of the harmonious balance of nature. Or Nature of Balance. I feel the need to learn the ability to “let go”. I have succeeded thus far. There is always more to release and let go of.
One big thing is that I am not able to cry. My eyes will not allow me to shed a tear in fear of death. I feel a coward for not being able to. Something is holding me back from the brink of despair but maybe I have always been there and have always been partner to it.
We are always on the cusp of Light & Darkness.
I have more of a reason to notice, now, that I am right at the epicentre of life and death. A finite point of light and substance.
The question is this: Do I know anything at all? Why do I need to?
Insubstantial. I am nothing and I do not need to know “anything”……
Whether I live or die, means nothing.
That is all I have to say.
Thank you for reading and thank you for not reading.
Thank you for sharing this life with me. Or not.
Many thanks to the universe for rotating around me and sustaining my being.
Pablo Isaiah Kelly.
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