My choices. Are they as Limited as I think they are? Does Cancer mean you have to Stop Living and leading a “Normal life”?

Cancer. The big scary “thing”!
In brain cancer, it is suggested that it is an anomaly or abnormality. The statistic I was told by my Neurosurgeon, was, that 100 people out of 1.5 million in Devon & Cornwall each year, are diagnosed with a brain tumour. When it came to me personally, that meant that, although Brain cancer is a rarity, the neurosurgeon has to deal with 100 cases of Brain tumour operations a year. This was to reassure me that he was very experienced. I guess it means he is. I am proof of that, having gone through a brain biopsy and having no adverse reactions, apart from a seizure that lasted 6 minutes after the operation and upon taking off the oxygen mask. This was due to the strain it put on me having had someone access the tumour and take samples from it.
Also, seizures are the one significant thing that makes me aware that anything is specifically wrong with me. I am not allowed to drive. I cannot operate heavy machinery. I am generally considered unable to do what I would otherwise do on a daily basis. I would love to go back to my garden centre job and look after plants. I would love to lift heavy things and gain some muscle as well as enjoying the enthusing feeling it brings to me. The strength. The energy.
I do not miss these things. I am not allowing myself to. It is just one of those things I need to let go of.
I am not unable, nor disabled. I just should not. Just in case I put too much strain on my body and my brain.
I still try to do these things, but unfortunately I can feel the effects on my body. I feel tired sooner than I should and my brain responds by giving me a headache or some nervous tension in my body. At least my body gives me the signs that something is not right eh!
Occasionally, (specifically, before the biopsy), I would get little tell-tale signs that something was wrong. My vision would tell me two different things, my left eye would tell me that people and things are further away than they are, whereas my right eye would be correct in the distance of objects from me. This sensation was because the tumour lies in the right hemisphere of the brain and tells the left side of the body, and brain, what to do. I am intelligent enough to discern what my mind is trying to say to me, but I don’t allow it to scare me. I just allow it to take its course and get over it. I do not have these symptoms as much anymore which is due to the Ketogenic diet and how it affects the tumour in my brain. It was specifically designed for epileptics after all.
Weird stuff isn’t it. The mind is an incomprehensible creation. A very clever but strange device.
We use it yet we are not aware of how delicate and sensitive it is. Of course we aren’t, it is encased in a large and hard skull which is protected from the outside world, but who protects it from itself…? I am now very aware of my brains existence and how it can be used and how it can use me. It functions in tune with our hearts and our bodies in ways which we have not yet figured. I like the idea that we have only mapped a small percentage of our brain. That’s fantastic. It means it is so vastly complex and diverse that we cannot comprehend its full functionality. Bewildering. Yet inspiring, to think about the stuff with which we are made, and what is that…? (Essentially, Atoms, Vibrational frequencies, electricity and organic material).
We are in essence, the earth.
I thought at first, that this thing in my head was one of the most frightening occurrences I could ever experience, but in fact. It was not. It was just another facet of my experience and learning upon this wonderful earth. A blessing or a curse? You can decide for yourself what you think. Myself…? I believe that it is a gift. It hasn’t hindered how I live. Just changed it, once again, as that is the glory of life. To change endlessly. To adapt and change and evolve as it wills.
I do not deem to know what another’s experience is in comparison to mine. I just know that this one, has changed my life, for the better, for the worse and for ever. No turning back, no looking behind or fearing what is in front of me.
On some level, this could be a punishment for previous misdeeds or bad thoughts or feelings or habits. It was from the choices I made that I am who I am today. So I have personally forgiven myself. Learned to love myself and to govern my choices from a place of compassion and ultimately love.
Always. I am drawn to love as a way of guidance!
Once again. I love you all for reading.
I guess that is all I am doing. Loving the freedom of writing of my thoughts and feelings.
You are all in my heart.
Pablo Isaiah Kelly.

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