Awake, in tears, restless sleep.
Tired of waiting.
Why cancer, why me?
Unable to comprehend what is actually happening in my head. My soul is yearning to live in timeless memory, My mind is constantly trying to fire me out of a canon and into the pit. I am afraid, I am monumentally afraid. They will scan my head tomorrow and my hope is to find that there is a shrinkage in the tumorous swine. My biggest scare would be to find that it is still there, but bigger!
One of two ways. Which way will it go? They have yet to find a better way to tell a cancer patient, “it has gone away!” I am sure all of us cancer patients know this deep and unsettling fear. It should not be real but is always near.
It is life and death, hanging in the balance of light and shadow. We will not know until we are shown, that there is some light at the end of the cancerous tunnel and we shall endeavour to continue on. No matter what turmoil we have to face and when we realise that there can no longer be any reason to struggle in the dark…
We are never alone. Always untied by this unifying bond of brothership. We are a family united. I am still, so very tired of it all though. I am afraid of dying and leaving you all behind. Some say we go to a better place! If that is the case, then lets hope that it is, but if not, lets hope that I reach it sometime in the very distant future.