Sadly, (but truthfully), I must say, that Death weighs on my mind from time to time. I can also, happily say, that Life is of more significance to me on a more frequent basis. I had imagined that the sad truth may have been that I would eventually die, or much sooner than anticipated, pass on from this life. The greatest and more profound knowledge I now possess, is that I am still here and that Cancer can be subdued and remains unaltered in its state within my mind. This is a quote from my most recent MRI with Contrast: “As you know, Mr. Kelly declined concomitant Chemo-Radiotherapy for his high grade Glioma. He is coping very well with his Ketogenic Diet. I am pleased to report that his MRI scan from the 24th January 2015 shows stable disease and there has been no obvious progression of his Glioblastoma over the previous five months.”
The truth as they saw it in August 2014, was that in the five months that I would have been living with brain cancer I would not be feeling as well as I do right now. In all seriousness, I almost believed them. This brings me to my point. In believing what they told me. I may have inadvertently altered my fate and progressed the tumours growth through my lack of mental clarity and loss of belief in my own healing. Thus driving me towards Chemo-Radiotherapy and possibly dying.
The flip side of what I was told is that it altered my own will. I made one of the two decisions offered to me through my own mental clarity and conscience. I chose to Believe in my own ability to heal, to Trust that Life is my guide and that I need not fear death, or, do the opposite and put all of my faith and trust in a doctoral system and be afraid of my own demise and ultimately, death… Well, we all know what I chose and which fork in the path of my own fate I chose. I am still here, Healthy. Yet still influencing my own destiny, if that’s what it can be called.
It does not matter what you believe about yourself. If you feel negatively about yourself and think there is only one choice, one fork in the road. You may find that there are always other possibilities and truths to be found. Trust in who you are and never forget yourself. I mean, truly believe in what you feel you must do and always remember, there are no problems, only solutions. This leaves no room for doubt.
I am sure you can all relate to this when I say, all of my life I have felt this little force in the back of my mind, every time I chose to do something that I inherently knew was wrong but chose to do it anyway. That my entire being was telling me to make that second choice. To do the “right” thing. By my own ignorance of the self that I call “I”, all I was doing was ignoring that screaming consciousness we are all born with that knows and simply knows, that there is always a way to choose well and feel well and be well. Ultimately it is that majestic thing we call “LOVE”. To deny it is to deny yourself. To embrace it brings the kind of clarity that people call enlightenment. We are always enlightened. We just forget it exists within us.
I, as the victim of cancer would say this. “Why me, what did I do so wrong that gave me this path of cancer and limited life…?” I, as the being that is aware of my own enlightening would say this. “What is there to fear now that I have been given this path of “Dis-Ease” and where can I go from this place, now that I have been given this choice, but to accept it and embrace the eventuality that we will all die at some point in this life and that if this is my last breath, then I will plunge into the oceans of that breath and explore the vastness of it…”
It may sound stupid of me to say this, but, I feel that if people were to experience the limited life, they would embrace the eternity of everlasting life in that limiting. There is more space to find your consciousness within this place, than there can ever be in 100 years of searching for it.
I have run out of time. “I will make more.” I can see no way out of this situation. “Wait, there is a gap in the veil and I can fit through it. I can see more clearly.” In each choice you make, trust yourself as your own guide. You leave a legacy behind you and have a choice in front of you.
Much love and respect to all of you in all of your choices and know that there is trust in whichever fork of the road you take…
Pablo Isaiah Kelly.