Fear, it settles deep within us, sometimes. Fear, it runs through our veins and through our nervous systems. It takes control of our motor functions, our sensory functions and drives us towards the darkness. I believe it is called, “fight or flight”. The human condition! Why is it conditional? Why does it have a place in us? I know that it is the balance to the equation of love. Fear and love, Light and dark, Hot and cold. The balance of life.
In nature the balance is always a constant fluctuation. Life and death. Order and chaos. When a baby is born, they know only the loving embrace of the womb, until that moment, the moment when they experience the world with their own brand new eyes, then they learn fear. This is a strange thing. A useless thing to learn. For without it we would know only love and joy.
I remember one of my earliest memories of fear. It was when I moved from the home where I was born, to the home where I spent the rest of my childhood. I don’t know how I remember it from the age of 2, but I do. I remember being in a happy place. A place where everything was full of the joy of life and at the age of two of all ages I expect that that is what we all feel. Then I arrive in this alien place, a place that felt wrong. I wasn’t aware of the fact that I thought it felt wrong. I don’t believe I thought this way at all. I felt a wrongness in my heart and I came to the realisation later in life that it was in fact a fear of the unknown!
This “unknown”, this place of fear that we all know profoundly and in full knowledge that it does not belong to us, is in its essence not a part of our being. It exists for no purpose. That is my belief now, knowing full well that in the eyes of our conventional western medicine that I may not live beyond two years of this cancer, (that is with conventional treatments). That fear of my survival, in their eyes, was a reason for me to rush headlong into radiation therapy and chemotherapy. That is why, in turn, I chose to not be afraid of that death sentence and live my life my own way. In full knowledge and trust that what I am doing is right for me. To my very core and being. I now feel better than I did before I even knew I had a brain tumour. “WOW! What a wonderful way of being”. This is what I find myself feeling each moment that I remember to.
So, when I fear for something or another, in this now, this ever present space, I also, in that moment remember to love this fear for what it is, a negation of the things I love. So, in that reasoning I can remember not to be afraid! Watching an emotion rather than letting it become me. Watching the emotion and understanding it as a part of me.
I float and flitter about here, right now. In full knowledge and awareness that each moment of being is but a facet of what that infinite moment signifies. Life!
Each moment I live right now, I come to the understanding that, right now, in this moment, I am living. I am alive. I am life. Each breath I draw. Is but a facet of the ever breath. The subconscious inhale and exhale of life we all breathe, until we focus our attention on the breath, then we remember that we are breathing. Then we begin to fear that if we stop breathing, we shall die. Its madness beyond comparison.
It is what it is though. It is a balance to an equation that no mathematician can figure out. The ultimate equation. Yes, we have the Fibonacci sequence, fractals and patterns that appear everywhere in life, but these are once again, mere facets of the ultimate equation. A glimpse into that joy and unity of love, a bringing together of atomic particles that culminates in us, beings, human beings, with awareness.
I sometimes fear that I have become mad. That the cancer cells are making me think and feel things I don’t understand or could never comprehend. I also understand that this fear comes from a thought, or from something I have seen in the media or read somewhere. A manipulation of the mind brought about when we don’t question what we are told. A subconscious compulsion that happens when we don’t remember to find our own truth within what we hear and see. To sense the rightness or wrongness within everything we are told. There is a balance to be found in it all, it is choice. I find my balance every day. This madness is a choice and a blessing to me. I have come to this place, in full knowledge and wisdom of 25 years of life, ( I feel that I have lived it over and over again), that this madness is what we all are, that we are never in a constant state of being, we are a state of being that is always changing. It is madness and clarity. I love it. I feel lost. I feel found. I feel somewhere in between. I feel afraid, then I feel love.
I believe you all know this feeling.
I have been to the depths of my own self-made “hell”. I have gone down that dark well, only to find that I was more attracted to the light within me. It was as if my own inner voice, was beckoning me towards the light ever present. My inner darkness was a choice. I chose to live there and shy away from the light. Think of the character Gollum in the Hobbit novel. He was drawn to the darkness of the one ring. He chose to become attracted to that darkness within himself and didn’t fight it nor remember he had two choices. The Dark or the light.
I came to the realisation, at the brink, just before thoughts of suicide and doom, that I did have that second choice of light and love and joy and spaciousness and wonder in nature and the blooming of a flower. I am that flower. We are all flowers in bloom, some of us die and wither, even though we are nurtured and cared for, others know that they are blooming and blossoming from the instant they are born.
From choice we can learn. From fear we can find our own love. From love we can learn to fear, but ultimately. We are both choices. I fear that what I have written makes no sense, but in that fear I hope that one recognises the love of what I write.
I love that what I have written makes sense, but in that love I hope that one recognises the fear of which I write. I always have hope and faith in you all. You are the space I watch. In my heart you are all blossoming.
With love & light,
Pablo Isaiah Kelly.