Doubt + Fear of the Future = Renewal of Integrity & Life. Kind of…?!

A long journey in the car just to find out that the prognosis at Charing Cross is the same as the Derriford hospital.
The actuality of my brain tumour is that it’s a complex one, it won’t budge without paralyzing me fully if they were to operate and it would be hard to access because there are potentially two spheres of tumour. One part is actually deeper than the other part. The Neurosurgeon seemed genuinely sorry to have to give me the same verdict.  He also asked the Oncologist to come have a chat with me and he was a nice chap and seemed very enthusiastic. The unfortunate side to his demeanour was that he was your typical and grudgingly unmovable Oncologist. He told me the very same thing I had heard before and that was, Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy was the absolute best course of action in my case. This, for me, was absolutely not the only choice, (although he did imply that the Ketogenic diet was a bonus in regards to conventional radio and chemo), I still could not allow his opinion to move me nor sway my resolve.
The implication was that there is no definitive cure for my grade of tumour. Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy is the only real way the NHS has of showing changes in tumour growth. “Mhmm, yes, I follow your well “educated” reasoning, although the survival rates and figures I’ve been shown aren’t so convincing”…
His response to my argument was that the Ketogenic diet is no way near as accurate nor as effective at curing cancer than the medicine they know about…
I had to say that there is no known financial gain for the powers that be in natural remedies and supplements and that both resources had a 50-50 chance of succeeding with my type of cancer and there are no guarantees in life anyway. I choose to live without the suffering of radiation and impotency and instead feel alive and healthy, whether it is my fate to live or die through this journey. I choose to do it in full knowledge that I am Happy and Content and completely free from the fear induced choices of a corporation based upon financial gain. I feel a bit political in my viewpoint but I feel justified with my ideologies. We all know that money is the biggest source of “power” for some in this world, along with the control it provides.
I am of a feeling that this was a second clarification for me as to what I am supposed to do and follow in my journey.
Cancer. Cells of mutated form and deadly intent. The same as life really. Many things can kill us in this world and unfortunately most are now man made. Yet life is also full of infinite possibilities and beauty that if you immerse yourself in, it will make you incredibly strong and powerful in a much lighter and easier way. No effort is needed in being happy.
Being angry and hurt by all the things out there is like cancer, deadly. It is our mutated form of being. It makes us waste our lifespan on small things that don’t matter in the bigger picture of “this” life.
I occasionally find myself becoming completely terrified by the things that I should be. Sometimes…
Most of the time I find myself wasting time being afraid of the things I shouldn’t and that makes me angry and upset with myself. Why should I fear to live? “Oh, wait, that’s the conditioning I have been learning for my entire 26 years of life on this planet”.
I feel it is time to do something different. I feel that now is the time for me to change this fear basis of living and become immortal in my own heart.
“Let go of pain and past; fear of future; just be happy with now”!
In the totality of all I am learning at this moment. I can literally do what I want to. If this is the one life I have right now and it has “potentially” been limited. I do not need to fear anything I don’t need to. It is not a choice I will make anymore. I have once again found a place where others judgement of my life, does not matter to me anymore.
When I am cured of this ailment, I will start to invest my time in helping others and trying to heal the world. (It’s a big task but one that I would love to partake in!)
For now, I am content to care for myself.
For now, I choose to live as if I never had an identity or a problem in my life.
Well, it seems impossible, I will try though.
Nothing is impossible if you aren’t afraid of death. J
I do not know what is in “store” for me.
Life maybe?
Pain & Suffering?
Bah, Humbug, it is all the same to me.
Enjoy yourselves my friends in life and death.
This experience is worth it to find out who we truly are!
Namaste and Big Love and Hugs!
Pablo Isaiah Kelly.

2 replies on “Doubt + Fear of the Future = Renewal of Integrity & Life. Kind of…?!”

Hi Pablo. Yours is one of the most positive responses to cancer I’ve ever come across. It’s very heartening to read your blog and I’m rooting for you in my own little way.
Just remember that the “mind” is a very powerful tool – and I don’t mean the “brain” but that consciousness that you are. I have found that, when I’ve wished to change something about myself, I just input the command: for example “I wish to give up smoking – get on with it!” and without any further concentration/stress, etc, the work to do that thing is just happening. The machine has its orders.
This might sound a bit simplistic and glib but what’s the harm in giving it a try? It’s sort of like seeing yourself as the zen robot and programming the repair and service modules to activate. Just give the command, pointedly, forcefully – internally – “I want this cancer removed – get on with it!” – And chill – the machine has its orders…

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