Where does it come from, where did it begin? A question I once asked myself. What did I eat for Christ’s sake?!! It wasn’t something I knew was on its way to my brain. I did not identify with the fact it existed, but on some small and subconscious level I knew there was something there. In the right lobe of my mind. “Ya know”…? There was something lacking in me, something slightly foreboding and undiscernible! Funny I should say that as I have a malignant brain tumour now, but also, it is not that funny….! Not really. The cancer cells are always there. Within the body, but they appear when the metabolism and mitochondria stop reacting normally within the body, (I think). Essentially. (I think my grasp of biology isn’t as amazing as it could be).
Anyway, I am in contact with someone who has/had the exact same brain tumour as me, they are in remission now. After a single year. Remission, as in, no more cancer. They are still trying to find the root of why they got this disease in the first place. What she said to me was most fascinating though, that there is some sort of problem within the body’s immune response. For example, too much copper and iron and other minerals in the body, in the blood stream. Not enough of this, not enough of that… and so on… Basically, what she told me is, that even now, having gone into remission, she must find the root cause of the cancer. Remission never means that it has gone completely, or so they say with Grade 4 Glioblastomas. It means that it has been shut down by the body’s immune response and that, if you don’t remain healthy and aware of your body, it could come crawling back, although this time, more vicious and deadly than before!
The most important thing for me though, is the fact that she was on the Ketogenic Diet amongst other things, and that on a very large scale, it worked its magic and starved the cancer. How this differs to me though, is that she did radiotherapy and chemotherapy alongside it. So at the end of the therapy, when she was finally in remission, her body was in a toxic state of shock. Depleted. This is a major reason I am staying as far away from the conventional therapies. They aren’t proven effective enough to actually treat this form of high grade tumour. It is only ever a temporary, (I would say solution, but I am unable to as I do not think it solves anything) …ceasing of malignancy. It brings the tumour back to a smaller state, after having first inflamed it with glucose spikes and immune depletions that cause the body to shut down, lose weight, have no appetite and feel weak and feeble. As I said before, it doesn’t appear to be any type of solution.
I am not mocking conventional treatment, just the blind way with which the high and mighty rule of money and funding causes scientists to lose their way when trying to cure something as scary as cancer.
Out of fear nothing is curable… Nothing is accomplished.
Which is why I am in love with this thing inside my head. I hope that my love and acceptance of this “thing”, this nameless entity, will bring about a healing change through sheer positivity and willpower alone… (Also a bit of attentiveness to my body and health in general will help!)
I am trying to discern within myself, why I think a tumour has appeared within me? Yet, I am unable to find the answer. It just is and it just will be whatever it is meant to be and will do whatever it is meant to do. There is no cause nor consequence of this tumour. I guess it is as much a part of me as I am of it. It would not exist within me, without me as a host after all.
One thing remains to me, one vast and powerful knowing, and this is that, I am but a vessel for this life I have been provided with. I have lived and learned as well as I can. I do believe with all of my being, that this is another of life’s bigger tests, one of life’s mystical quests, to achieve and perceive something that, as of yet, has not been ascertained by me. The attainment of knowledge by some, is the biggest goal, but then, so is dying, we live to die. I am not saying that life is futile and bereft of anything worth-while. I am simply saying that if one knows death and has accepted it as inevitable, then one can move beyond that fear and live in harmony with life.
After all. To me and to all that I love. Life is a most blessed and wondrous thing.
I wonder how you would feel to know the utter futility of cancer in your own life for a time. A period where the uncertainty of your existence hung in the balance. Would you be able to perceive it in any way other than vastly overpowering, destroying and encompassing? Liken it to a black hole, that unknown pattern of matter that will suck you into oblivion. Then remember that this matter is but a small part of the universe and that you are the universe you perceive yourself to be. You are a part of the whole.
I am enthralled by this thought. I am the universe in motion. I am that which is constant. Therefore, for me, in the knowledge of what I am facing, I cannot die. I “will” not die! That is a “matter” of fact!
I guess that what I am trying to share with you, is that, although life brings us to the brink of destruction, there is a balance. A harmony. A unique significance for each person, each animal, each plant. We all live and breathe that which is life. Just in different ways. One thing we all have in common and one thing that we all share without a doubt in my mind and heart, is love and is this life. Now isn’t that the truth. Don’t try to deny it or hide behind tough words or bravado. Just accept that I love you and you love me, just in different ways and different guises and at different times. I may not know you personally, I may not have spent any time in your company. That does not matter one iota. I accept you as a brother and a sister on this beloved mother of this planet we call earth.
At times we know not why we exist and we seek solace in narcotics or useless material possessions or meaningless relationships with people we don’t actually care about. We feel at a loss or lonely or sad or disheartened with our lives. In this place, I found a part of myself. Yes, I was that person, who had lost himself, that had drowned their sorrows and completely immersed themselves in misery. I was a wreck, my vessel was lost at sea and I had no sun nor stars to guide me. Yet somehow I felt compelled to look deep within, to look deeper than I thought I could ever see and I found myself looking back at me. I saw something different though. Something magnificent and compelling and brilliant beyond comprehension. For I needed none. This was just simply, me. Me! Just without the shit! Without the baggage. Without that long story of how I came to be this person with so much rubbish to sort through. We are simply amazing beings. If we but believe ourselves to be it. To just be.
Being…. That is the human condition. Not doing but being. “To be or not to be? That is the question…” It is a choice, Shakespeare was right in saying this…
It all boils down to that choice of being or not being. By being, I mean, to be present with what is here, right now, in this space.
In the space I found within myself. I felt all the emotion of my being, all there, in one place. Sadness, happiness, fear, pleasure, pain. All wrapped up together as one entity. Neatly. Without judgement or a concept to file it under.
I still don’t try to understand what I know now that I didn’t before. I am just an observer to the comings and goings of my mind. I am content to be me.
I am ever thankful for this choice.
I am that which I am.
In this moment as I finish writing this, I find fear cropping up, saying, “What are people going to think of this mindless rambling”!
What does it matter?
At least I have let go of another fear by publishing it.
With sincere gratitude for your ever compassionate attention and kindness in sharing in my journey,
Your friend and partner through life,
Pablo Isaiah Kelly.