A full and enriching life. That is my initial idea of living in the world.
Now… Right now… I find that I don’t have that. I barely see anything beyond therapies and diet and supplements.
Trying to find a place to live, be it for the last 6 months of my life or be it for another 60 years, is impossible and I shall list the reasons why:
- My condition, (Malignant Cancer), means that unfortunately, I am a risk in having any financial help from the local council. If I don’t live beyond 6-9 months, my partner may not qualify for the housing benefits and therefore, they don’t particularly want to help me because of this factor.
- I was forced to quit my job by my boss from Plants Galore due to the fact that he did not want to pay me any sick pay and he assumed I would be better off on benefits. I struggled for 6-8 weeks without any money because of this. Oh, he did give me £250 as some sort of feeble attempt at acting kind, whilst also dodging the £75 a week sick pay for 52 weeks or so… This, in turn, means that I cannot move into a private rented accommodation because I am not earning. Seeing as no landlord or lady wants anyone with benefits living in their house this makes finding a place to live, quite impossible as well as stressful and financially futile.
- I am not eligible for any sort of grant for private accommodation, even considering my “illness”, to move into privately rented accommodation due to the sad fact that you need to have been in receipt of benefits for 26 weeks or so. I was forced to stop working because of the strain it was putting upon my brain, (giving me seizures and fatigue), thus making me seem like a chav on the dole, taking money for nothing and spending it on booze and drugs. At least, that’s what has ruined the system for people who actually need to be on benefits because of things like… hmm… CANCER!
- Even a doctor’s letter, formally addressing my current “illness” and why it affects me, takes a long time to be processed by the 30 or so housing officers…. They seem to be lacking in compassionate willingness to help anyone in need.
So, this is essentially, the only stressful and tiring process I have ever had to endure. Having cancer doesn’t even compare to having nowhere to live whilst having cancer. No comfort to call my own, no home to be at peace in. No space from others who do not care about the way in which having a malignant dis-ease changes everything about the way I choose to live, or how I have no alternative choice in the way I live.
Understanding comes easy through knowing why people live the way they do, in fear of the world and fear of the future. The most terrifying thing though, is, the fear of no money. Thus, everything else becomes obsolete. That caring of another, the compassion, the unity in nature. The abundance of love all around us. Blindness through technology. Blind to the fact that others around us are just like you and me and that “other guy or girl”.
The ultimatum that being “given” a diagnosis of malignant brain cancer means that I have 1 choice. To live. My only limitation is the housing restrictions I am placed under due to a terminal illness. I am unable to come to peace with everything that is happening for me due to this and I wish it wasn’t so.
The positive factors that have come about in recent times is that I have had a consultation with Nutritional Solutions (http://www.nutritional-solutions.net/ ), who took a look at my blood work, (I had about nine blood samples taken at my local GP), and find some key factors in relation to my brain tumour and my immune system and certain occurrences that can show why I may have this cancer in the first place. They also look at nutritional value and what may help me within my diet and supplements.
The consultation gleaned a few very important things: I have indicators showing that I am adapting and subduing the inflammation of a Glioblastoma Grade 4, (the most aggressive form). So, this means that all the supplementation and dietary treatment I am undergoing is clearly helping me to control this tumour. SUCCESS! There are other very important supplements I can take to boost my immune function and my inflammation markers. Berberine 200mg capsules, Mistletoe Injections, Melatonin 5mg capsules and Vitamins A & K too. These are just some of the list, but very important things to take into consideration within my own immune system and the regime I am undertaking.
I also shall be having an MRI scan tomorrow at 12.30 in the morning. This is the first big thing to crop up in about 4 months to finally show whether what I am doing is helping to control and subdue the tumour and maybe even reduce its growth. I have not felt the awkward wrath of a seizure in my face nor body in about 3 months now. A clear indicator of a form of success in positively reducing the impact of the tumours effects inside my brain and the way it plays around with the nervous system.
I am hoping for a tiny bit of positive feedback from the scan, a glimmer of truth that will show me that I am on the right path and that I am successfully controlling my fate without the use of a corporate medical system! If there is such a thing as fate, then we have choice within that. I believe that my choices and my fate are in my own hands and no others. In my own heart and trust and faith in life!
The courage to continue has been a hard one, I have nearly faltered every waking moment since that terrifying day when I was told I may not live out another year.
Well, 4 months down the line and I AM STILL HERE!
If you could see me right now, you will see that I look healthier than ever and have a twinkle in my eyes. Yes I struggle with everyday living, maybe more so than some, but also, less so than others. I have been placed on a journey that may inspire you or just impact on how you look at yourselves. I will continue to endeavour to find a way to overcome the odds I have been given and become greater than the person I was yesterday. I am not waging a war nor fighting a battle.
I am positively trusting that what will be, will be. I always have a choice and I can and will not give in to doubt. Tomorrow will tell all, tomorrow could possibly define my existence. It may or it may not. Who can tell with these things? I shall have to await the analysis of the radiologist and their colleagues. I will definitely be letting you all know the results of the fruits of my labour!
I would like to send love and thanks to all that are supporting me through this time. I would like to thank especially:
My mother and adopted father. You have shown the true meaning of being parents and guiding me in ways that I did not understand until my life was on the line.
My Partner in life. You continue to be my rock when I am in the hardest of places. Your love defines my need to exist in this world and have a family and a life together with you.
My sisters three. You all have been of complete necessity in my coming to terms with my own masculinity and femininity. I see all the aspects of each of you, in me, I am glad to be your brother.
My Grandmother. You have always seen the best of me when I have not the heart to see it for myself.
My Uncle. You taught me never to fight any battle, but to seek peace in thy enemy, to forgive them. If my enemy is Cancer, I am seeking peace there and forgiveness!
My great Grandmother. You are the wisest and most beautiful heart I have ever known, even now at the age of 93, you still guide me and teach me.
The rest of my family and friends! You are an inspiration and your trust and kindness give me the knowledge and trust in my convictions. I used to believe that I was not worthy of any friends or family. I know that has never been the truth. Thank you for showing me suck great kindness!
Your sincerely dear friend and brother,
Pablo Isaiah Kelly.